1.
A nun asked her class, What part of the body goes into
heaven first?
A little girl raises her hand and says, I know, I know, the top of your head.
The nun asks, Why do you say that?
The little girl says, Because when you die, you go straight up, and the top of your head goes in first!
The nun replies, That makes sense, anyone else?
Another little girl says, I know, I know, the tips of your fingers.
The nun asks, Why the tips of your fingers?
The little girl replies, Because when you put your hands
together to pray, the tips of your fingers go into heaven
first!
The nun says, OK, anyone else?
Little Johnny is in the back waving his hand.
The nun says, OK, Johnny, please tell us what part of the body goes into heaven first?
Your feet! Your feet do, for sure! yells Johnny.
The nun, puzzled, asks, Why do you think your feet get to heaven first?
Because I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night, and my mom was in there, and she had both her feet sticking straight up in the air, and she was yelling 'Oh God, I'm coming. Oh God, I'm coming!' and if my Dad hadn't been holding her down, I think she would have gone!
2.
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, theIrishman started to leave.
S' cuse me, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, what was that all about?
Nothin', said the Irishman, my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!
3.
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?
The guard replies, They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.
That's an awfully exact number, says the tourist. How do you know their age so precisely?
The guard answers, Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.
The guard replies, They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.
That's an awfully exact number, says the tourist. How do you know their age so precisely?
The guard answers, Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.
4.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.
5.
“Yes brother,” says Paddy.
“Well I’m going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I’m away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids,” says Mick.
“It’ll be an honour to do that for you Mick,” says Paddy.
A month later Paddy calls Mick.
“Hello Mick, your wife’s given birth to a boy and a girl, they’re beautiful,” says Paddy.
“That’s wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?” says Mick.
“I called the girl Deniece,” says Paddy.
“And what did you call the boy?”
“I called the boy De nephew.”
“Well I’m going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I’m away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids,” says Mick.
“It’ll be an honour to do that for you Mick,” says Paddy.
A month later Paddy calls Mick.
“Hello Mick, your wife’s given birth to a boy and a girl, they’re beautiful,” says Paddy.
“That’s wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?” says Mick.
“I called the girl Deniece,” says Paddy.
“And what did you call the boy?”
“I called the boy De nephew.”
6.
Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, “There is a easy way to get what you want.”
The other boy said, “How?” the boy replied, “Tell people you know their secret.”
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, “I know your secret!” The dad replies “Please don’t tell your mom heres $10.”
The boy then runs to his mom, “I know your secret!” The mom said, “Please don’t tell your dad here’s $15.”
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, “I know your secret!” The mail man opened his arms and said, “Come, give your dad a hug!”
The other boy said, “How?” the boy replied, “Tell people you know their secret.”
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, “I know your secret!” The dad replies “Please don’t tell your mom heres $10.”
The boy then runs to his mom, “I know your secret!” The mom said, “Please don’t tell your dad here’s $15.”
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, “I know your secret!” The mail man opened his arms and said, “Come, give your dad a hug!”
7.
A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.
He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, “Im getting a brother.”
One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby’s kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother.
He replyed, “I think mommy ate him.”
He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, “Im getting a brother.”
One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby’s kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother.
He replyed, “I think mommy ate him.”
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